wanderings and ramblings

I got to LARP tonight. For those uneducated in the ways for severe gamer dorkdom, that stands for “Live Action Role-Play.” Which is pretty much fancy for make believe with rules. It was a very fun night. Hubby is who runs the game, so sometimes I feel like he is just crazy hard on me compared to everyone else for fear that they will say he is playing favorites. Recently he has gotten much better about this though, which has in turn made my happiness meter go up.

I just want to say kudos for a good game, really. My character in the game is a sniper, so it was really trying to sit on a roof, watching another building for my target while my teammates finished figuring out what the heck they were going to do. Very fun, none the less. I like to think I have large amount of patience when it comes to things like that.

Oh well, off to bed I go!

Hope everyone has a great night~

-nomad

So, let me start by saying that (if you didn’t already know) I am 28 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy has “gifted” me with a number of problems and concerns, including but not limited to:

• no energy… ever. (Sorry Captain, we just don’t have the power.)
• gallbladder problems (read: intense pain and a diet limited to 5g of fat per serving with no more than 15g per day.)
• cravings (that I can’t get rid of because I can’t eat anything that I want to eat)
• depression (It was gone for about 2 months, but is obviously back now)
• dizzy spells (apparently vertigo is commonplace among pregnant women, hopefully it doesn’t get as bad as my past experiences -_- )
• constant nausea (and heaven forbid I take a prenatal vitamin -> thank you Flintstones Gummies)

Now… These symptoms would have been tolerable if it were just for a little while… but it seriously feels like there is no end in sight for this madness.

I feel like no matter what I do, I will never get anything done. I don’t even want to get out of bed on most days. I feel so tired all the time and I force myself to eat even though I know whatever I eat will make me miserable. I can’t even eat a salad with no dressing without feeling sick afterward. The worst part is that I know I come off as just being whiny.

Prior to now, I spent a year in South Korea teaching English at a private school. I spent 10 of the 12 months I was there sick with what I jokingly call the Korean Plague. It was a horrible combination of a bronchial infection and a sinus infection that made me nearly unable to function on good days, and bed ridden on the bad ones. Before going to Korea I was rarely sick. I used to joke about my immune system because my husband would get ill, everyone living with us would get ill, but I would be fine. Now, I feel like I have been sick for almost 2 years. It is like I can’t even get a break. I just want to cry (and I’m sure the hormones are helping greatly with that urge.)

On a completely different note, although still having to do with pregnancy, I find myself overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life. I have never been a big “kids” person. Babies were always something I dreaded being in the same room with. I love peace and quiet. Babies are, by general rule, noisy and dirty. So, please understand my worries. I never liked being around children. How in the world am I going to be able to give a child everything it needs when I don’t even understand how babies work entirely? (I need this book I think) I understand that this is probably a common concern for new parents, but what if I don’t even like my child?

I guess I have a lot of the same worries as other people. Mostly, I am worrying that I won’t be able to find a car seat that will actually fit into my car. I drive a 2001 VW New Beetle. I’m not sure they make a car seat small enough, that is still safe. Seriously, fitting people into my back seat is a feat.

I’m also not sure how we are going to come up with the money for things that we need for the baby. I’m so paranoid. It is silly. Our baby shower is August 1st. I spend colossal amounts of time dwelling on the things we need, while I wonder about what people might get Kai for the shower. At the same time, Hubby and I don’t want to buy anything because we will be moving at some point in the upcoming months and we don’t want to add to the amount of stuff we have to move. So once again, worrying, that won’t go away, about something that is beyond my control at all.

I also find myself worrying extensively that I will have postpartum depression. I am afraid I will do horrible things or that I will not be able to suffer through the nights without any sleep. I am afraid that I won’t even care. That is what worries me most.

I’m sorry this post is so random. I am just ranting mostly, so please stick with me. On with other random stresses and worries.

My house. My house is a nightmare. I have no energy at all (today is actually the longest I have spent actively doing something in quite some time and that something was working on this layout which is not very strenuous and does not require much moving,) which is not an excuse for my house to be a disaster, but it is the only reason I can see. I feel like my head is constantly clouded, and I try to focus on doing any tasks, and I just fail. I also have roommates. Once again, not an excuse, but It seems like any cleaning I do is promptly undone. I doubt it is any of their actual doing, but frustration and depression certainly isn’t making me see things that way. This house is so dirty all the time that I don’t even want to leave my room, which in turn has become a mess. It is a vicious cycle and I’m having trouble fixing the problem. I know this is my fault. I am worried that it follows me where ever I go. What if, when we move, I just do the same thing? What if I really am just that horrible of a wife that I can’t function correctly? It is like I am a broken droid in a Star Wars movie. I want to do good. I want to make everyone happy. Hell, I would settle for making anyone truly happy, not just content or pretending for my benefit. What if that is just beyond my programming or hardware? (If you missed that, it was a euphemism. I don’t actually believe I am a droid.)

Oh well. Enough randomness for tonight… er… morning… whatever. I’m going to bed.

Sleep well all you wanderers out there,

-nomad

…make sure you have your towel because no one will trust you without it….

So, this is the first entry in yet another blog on the internet. It will likely be just as unremarkable as all the other random blogs, but it is mine.